I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
