Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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