So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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