I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
