I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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