you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
