there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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