Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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