Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
