There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
