Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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