i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
