one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
