You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
