Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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