Will you blow on my dice?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
