i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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