When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
