We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
