So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
