I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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