i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
