And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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