This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
