I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
