Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
