Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
