Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
