I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
