God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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