It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
