I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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