Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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