I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
