I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
