You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
