I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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