Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
