Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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