dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
