Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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