Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
