it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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