I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
