Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
