Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
