it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
