Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
NoShamevember. You game?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
