i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
