Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
